sadly, i am not as nice as i used to be. somehow after almost 3 years of trauma drama, i've gotten cynical. nursing is a frustrating job. you watch the same types of people make the same types of bad choices and you aren't supposed to be angry. you have to deal with patients manipulating you and dish out drugs like candy and you're just supposed to smile as you get walked all over. it's hard, and it makes me mad, and as a result i can be judgmental and snotty.
but really. excuses get me nowhere. today i was wrong and here is why:
i was sitting up at the nurse's station with a couple of coworkers working on charting. the tele monitor was alarming, as it had been all night. we have a patient on the floor who is constantly pacing the halls. she's always out to smoke, or otherwise disposed and her tele is either too far away to give off a signal or her leads are bouncing around and the monitor thinks she's in v-tach. at this point, the monitor was saying that her heart rate was in the 140s. one of the nurses asked why, to which i replied "she's probably out smoking or doing whatever she does". well (surprise surprise) the patient is actually NOT out smoking, but right outside the nurse's station, overhears everything i say, and proceeds to tell me so and then yell at me. enter me. dying inside. because, unfortunately, she's right.
yes, i said it.
this patient is a drug addict. she manipulates the system. she has a history of doing naughty things in bus shelters. but that doesn't mean that i am judge and jury of the trauma unit. that doesn't mean that she gets treated with any less respect, or that i get to say whatever i want about her. because, really, she is none of my business. i (thankfully) am not her nurse and her antics are not my responsibility, so i don't get to have an opinion.
this is hard for me. i see injustice and i want to stamp it out. i would like things to be fair and right, and people like this DRIVE ME OUT OF MY MIND. i don't get to go around and do anything i want without consequences. i don't demand things and have people fall all over themselves to grant my requests. i don't manipulate the system. but once again, it doesn't matter. because i am not the drug addict, i am the professional. and because of that, and also because i was wrong, i got to go and apologize.
can i just say that i thought i was going to get beat down? she actually said to me "if we were out on the street it wouldn't have gone like that". but despite the threats of bodily harm, i apologized. i told her that i was wrong and that my comments were uncalled for. that it was inappropriate and none of my business. and that i was sorry. and she accepted my apology. and then ranted about me to anyone who would listen for the next 2 hours.
frankly i am horrified by the whole incident. do you know what is not fun? taking care of shallow selfish people. do you know what is even more not fun? stooping to their level. so tonight i ate my own words and i deserved every bite. and tomorrow? i may need a disguise.
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