first of all, i'm not dead.
that being said, back to the same old same old. i guess i just felt like i was whining about the same things over and over, because nothing really ever changes. it's the same old issues that cycle around. the floor is bad and the floor is terrible and then things get better and so on. maybe i've just learned to accept that this is the way things are.
but i don't like it. i don't like the way i feel about my job, and i don't like that i've grudgingly accepted the nonsense that occurs on a daily basis and that i've adopted the "it is what it is" mentality. i've noticed a change in myself, and i miss the person that i used to be. i feel like healthcare has been completely de-humanized in the time that i've been working as a nurse. every part of my nursing practice is now scripted. i see my patients at a set timeframe. i introduce myself using a specific script. I use alliterating buzzwords to see if they have any needs each time i'm in the room. i talk about the things that i'm told to talk about, and any sort of individual thought is completely left out of the equation.
i'm a nursing drone. i feel completely and utterly ordinary and like i'm totally replaceable. i get to make very few decisions independently, and there is pretty much no area of my practice in which i'm allowed to have choices.
my job is pretty unsatisfying, because i have fought the man for the past 7 years and they have slowly chipped away at my reserves. i woke up one day and realized that i've just started to do what's easiest, because i don't have any more to sacrifice for people.
i go into my patients' rooms and try to spend as little time there as possible. get in and get out. be efficient. need to make sure that i have plenty of time to chart or else i'll be sitting in front of a computer until 1 am.
the things that i'm supposed to care about, i just don't have time to care about. walking people? psssh, like i can find 15 whole consecutive minutes to spend on one person. we had a staff meeting today where they talked about how we need to be doing patient education, and i actually caught myself thinking about how that should be someone else's job because i have too many other things to do and don't have time for that.
or more accurately, i DO have time but it is time stolen from another patient or from myself.
i have basically nothing left to give.
and i know i've said this all before, but this time it's different.
i've realized in the past several months that there has GOT to be better than this. and as more and more of my coworkers leave for new jobs, jobs where they're appreciated and generally happier, i've finally see that it's not me. i'm not broken, i'm not a crappy nurse, i work in a toxic environment under an unsympathetic and ineffective manager and it's next to impossible to succeed in that kind of environment. so i'm done.
i've made the decision to leave, and even though i don't know where i'm going yet, it still feels official. this is the first time in the past 7 years that moving on truly feels right. it's bittersweet, because i love my coworkers and i still have so much nostalgia about how things used to be. but i can't do this job anymore. i won't put myself through it. and although i've tried to bring various problems to light over the years, i feel that actions speak louder than words. they never listened when i talked, maybe they'll listen when i walk.
but it's more than that. if i'm being honest, i think i'm still doing what i'm doing because it's comfortable. it's familiar. it's honestly all i know. and i still believe it's important, and underrated, and that i make a difference. but am i happy? am i being challenged? do i love this? is this the only thing i could ever imagine doing?
not anymore.
and so it's time for moving on.
