Yesterday I got a very special patient out of the ICU. I don't mean special as in needs, or a crazy diagnosis. This guy is the stuff that stories are made of. I'm pretty sure that I will never [be able to] forget him, and here's why.
I was getting an ICU transfer and frankly I thought I was pretty lucky. He just had his gallbladder removed, was pretty stable, and just got admitted to the ICU overnight to monitor a preexisting heart condition. This guy is in his late 20s, walking, talking, and sounded like an easy patient. INCORRECT.
The guy rolls in and the first thing he does is strip completely naked in his bed because "I like to sleep naked". Sidenote: this is fine AT HOME IN YOUR OWN BED. Please do not make me see these things. Yes, I am a nurse, but that doesn't mean that I want to see 300+ pounds of what your mama gave you hanging out for 10 hours in a row. Ok. So the naked man now begins to give me orders because "I'm kind of OCD". Whatever. I spent the next half hour feng shui-ing his room and fetching a fan to aim at the wall because "I need circulating air", water, blankets, suction for when "I need to cough and there's this hunk of phlegm way back there and I need to suck it out", pillows, special pillowcases to wrap his legs in because the SCDs make his legs sweat...and so on. At this point I still thought maybe the evening could be redeemed. Maybe once I got him settled he would just leave me alone.
HA.
It is now 1600. At 1615 I go eat my lunch. If I don't go eat my lunch at 1615, I do not have time to eat and that makes me very sad. Needy needy man, of course, chooses now to request his bed bath. First of all, he already got a bath, and I know it. So I hinted around that he already got washed up in the morning, to which he replied "at home I take like 4 showers a day. I like to be clean". Can we say overkill? I could maaaaaaybe understand 2 showers a day, but 4? That's not cleanliness, that's mental illness. Fortunately for me, at 1600 we had no linens on the floor, and I got to postpone bath time until after lunch. So at 1700 I headed in with my big stack of towels and got to work.
Forgive me if I'm wrong. Normal people do not feel comfortable being completely naked and taking a bath in front of their parents and brother. Well, this patient thinks that's A-ok. He spent a good ten minutes lovingly scrubbing his special place while his entire family sat in the room. For the record: NOT OK. This led to a lively discussion about mom, who had back surgery and wasn't allowed to bathe at all for awhile. "Not even your cooter?" asks special patient. No, not even there. This conversation? Also NOT OK.
So I make the guy wash everything he can reach and I helped him with his legs and back. Then, to my horror, he whips out a tube of hydrocortisone cream and proceeds to tell me about his rash. Apparently the hospital soaps don't work well with his delicate skin. He then begins lovingly rubbing cream on his special place. Yes, his family got to see this delight as well. Oh but the fun doesn't stop there. He goes into excruciating detail about the rash on his butt, and asks me to "just lube up a finger and run it all up the crack really good".
Sidenote: this is my life. If I had a dollar for every time a freaky patient with no boundaries asked me to do something repulsive, I could leave this job like 10 times over.
So bath time is done, thank God. But not to worry! The fun is far from over. Unfortunately, this guy had a catheter in that had started to leak. The day nurse took it out, and every hour for the next 6 hours I got to go in and empty a tiny bit of urine from the urinal. This led to a lengthy discussion about diuretics and my patient's peeing habits. For the record, I do not enjoy hearing about your pee unless I ask you. Otherwise you can just keep that to yourself. Thanks. We also had another issue as my patient informed me that he "dribbles". This means that every time I emptied his urinal, I also had to bring him more linens for his "accidents". I'm sorry. 29 years old and haven't quite mastered the art of peeing yet? This may be a life skill that you should be working on.
And this all went on until 2300. Like clockwork, the call light would go off every 20 minutes and I would go down to his room and be presented with a list of four to five items that I would haul back to his room. Once I got down there, he would remember several other "favors" to ask me. It got to the point where I was praying to be fired or just drop dead...ANYTHING to not have to deal with this patient another second.
To clarify, I don't have a problem helping people, that's my job. I do however have a problem with excessive neediness. Group your requests together so I'm not doing laps up and down the halls. If you can do something for yourself, then JUST DO IT. Don't make me do it, don't make me watch you, I am NOT going home with you so if you can't wipe your own butt we need to figure that out before you go. And for the love of all that is good, HAVE SOME MODESTY. It will not kill you to wear a gown, so leave yours on, please.
So today I go back for more. Maybe he'll get discharged? Oh please oh please oh please.
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