"those" nights

i had one of "those" nights yesterday. the kind that made me not want to go back to work ever again. the kind of shift that is only remedied by large amounts of alcohol and very good reality tv smut. the kind of night that is followed by the kind of day that requires an extra big coffee.

i have a new rule, and it is NEVER VOLUNTEER TO DO SOMETHING NICE BECAUSE IT WILL BITE YOU SO HARD YOU'LL WISH YOU WERE DEAD. i was having an ok night, so i said i'd take an ICU transfer. the patient didn't sound to bad, just maybe like he'd have some anxiety issues. i have a very good reputation for fluffing pillows and holding hands, so i thought i'd be able to handle him no problem.

well. that was presumptuous of me.

the patient came out of the ICU a hot mess. vitals all screwy, confused, trying to escape. no matter what i said, he would not calm down. no matter what i did he would not stop screaming. after he tried to kick me in the face, he needed to be restrained. this, however, only increased the incessant pleading to "call the police! call the paramedics! take me to the ER! call me a cab!" and so on. he began to tell passersby that i had abducted him. he passionately argued the fact that we were at the lake, at his house, at woodstock, anywhere but the hospital. he pulled the tube halfway out of his nose, then began pooping blood in earnest. his pressures went so high that i thought he might have a stroke, then his heart rate went so low that i was afraid to send him off the floor for fear he would code in the CT scanner. for 3 hours, i did not leave the patient's room. i had an orientee that dealt with my 3 other patients so i could stare at this guy and make sure that he didn't die. i walked off the floor bone tired and feeling like i was a horrible failure.

here are the other new rules that i'm trying to implement:

*there will be nights that you feel like you suck. do what you can and move on.

*be kind to yourself, because clearly no one else is going to.

*home is for home and work is for work. don't confuse the two.

slowly i'm learning how to cut myself some slack. i've been a nurse for years, and still feel like i'm flying by the seat of my pants most of the time. SO WHAT? the important thing is not that i feel really really smart, or look poised and in control. the important thing is that my patients are safe and well taken care of. and if that happens with me running around like a banshee and cursing the day i became a nurse, so be it. and if i have one of "those" nights? well i guess that's what wine is for.