lies

there is something about being lied to on a daily basis that has made me stop trusting a thing that people say.

case in point.  i had this patient awhile ago....8 months pregnant, accidentally stuck her hand through a window and severed an artery.  almost bled to death on her front porch.  upon arrival to the ED, they almost did a C-section in the trauma room, which is NOT DONE (i know, i know, the TV show ER lied to us all).  they finally got a blood pressure on mom in the 40s systolic, so they ran her to the OR and did the C-section there.  after a ridiculous amount of blood...like 16 units PRBCs and 9 of FFP, everybody was still alive.  baby ended up doing pretty well in the NICU, and the patient came to me in less than 24 hours from when she was almost dead.

she had some problems, to say the least.  drug and alcohol issues, didn't have custody of some other kids...that kind of stuff.  but when she told me that her issues were in the past, something made me believe her.  and when she teared up every time she talked about her baby, she was genuine.  she didn't even want to go home on narcotics, such was the dedication to the idea of changing her life.  i don't usually drink the kool aid about that kind of stuff, but with her i did.  i was convinced that she was going to change her life, and when she got discharged i was hopeful for her.

a few days later one of my pregnant coworkers saw her in the OB clinic waiting room.  she was falling out of her chair, dropping things, eyes half closed...obviously on something stronger than percocet.

i guess i shouldn't be surprised.  it still makes me sad, though.  i wanted better for her.  i wanted for her to prove everybody wrong, for her to prove to the state that she can be a good mom.  for her to be able to keep her baby, to fight her addictions.  but i guess she just doesn't have it in her.

now that i think about it, i don't think that she was lying to me as much as she was lying to herself.

it's an age old question: how do you give your best on a daily basis to people who most likely will never change the behaviors that brought them to your door in the first place?  or do you just do your job and stop caring about the rest?

i want to believe that people can wake up one day and say 'enough is a enough', stop living out destructive behaviors and making poor choices, and completely turn their lives around.

i WANT to believe it.  i'm just not sure i actually do anymore.