on criticism

i had a painful meeting this week with management on the topic of "expectations and opportunities".  this is apparently a euphemism for 'everything that is wrong with you'.  it did not go well.

they were quick to tell me that i'm a great nurse and that i provide excellent patient care.  which, if i'm not mistaken, is my job.  take care of patients.  be nice to them.  work well with others.  follow policies.

did someone forget to tell me the part where i agreed to think only happy thoughts all day despite bleak morale, impossible expectations, and understaffing?  or the part where i said i would be only rainbows and smiles 24/7, on all the time with no trace of frustration or feeling overwhelmed?

THAT IS NOT MY JOB.

i have apparently become some sort of "leader on the floor", which is another management euphemism for "fall in line before others mutiny".  keep in mind this is not something i asked for, nor something i have been payed for.  no, this honor has been give to me because i'm one of the only people who has been able to survive 5.5 years on the floor, through 5 different managers, 3 directors, countless threats of physical violence, verbal abuse by patient and doctors, unsafe staffing/patient assignments, and little to no credit or thanks most of the time.

so you're probably wondering what i did that's so awful, right?  did i have a screaming fit at the nurse's station?  did i rant to a patient?  did i tell off my manager?

no.

i said that staffing was "not ideal" (which it wasn't).  and i said it to my coworkers (who are my friends and should get to know why their assignments suck).  while making up the day's assignments (which i am not payed extra to do).  which i actually have to do before i punch in for the shift, so i am doing them on my own time for free.

i for one thought that i was being pretty tactful, given what i would have liked to say, but i guess i should be ashamed of myself.

so anyways, something silly like daring to voice an unapproved thought led to almost an hour meeting about how i am in charge of my shift's morale.  i must be positive.  i must not say negative things about staffing to my coworkers.  if i must say these things, i should find my manager, go to her office and close the door (this was emphasized) and then i am allowed to speak with "candor".  otherwise, i must take time to "collect myself" before returning to work...apparently with a 100 watt smile and my pom poms, cheering the team on.

as i have previously mentioned, i'm at the end of my rope with this job.  i'm giving everything i have left to my patients, which doesn't leave a whole lot of energy to be fake around my coworkers.  i'm tired, and i'm sure it shows.  but i am TRYING.  and i don't understand why i'm being held to a different standard than anyone else.  i don't want more responsibility, or more pressure.  i basically want to be anonymous and to be left alone.

so to recap: i'm expected to take on additional responsibilities like being the charge nurse, precepting, and being a resource, which can be inconvenient, annoying, and stressful.  and this somehow makes me a "leader".  but instead of getting more of a say on the unit, or getting the right to voice an opinion and bring about change, i'm being stifled.

so which is it, management?  do you want me to lead or not?  do you want me to advocate for my people, to be their voice?  or do you just want me to do all the work, toe the party line, and shut up?

i think the answer is obvious.

at the end of the day, i need to answer to myself.  can i be proud of myself?  did i stand up for what i believe?  am i saying things that need to be said, or just whining?  there's a fine line between advocating for myself and my coworkers and being divisive.  but there's also a fine line between being a "leader" and being a drone.