2014

2013, i don't know what to say about you.  it wasn't a bad year, but it certainly had it's moments.  it was a year of growing pains, and i'm not quite sure why.  i feel like this was the year that i became officially branded as 'trouble' and i resent that.  i feel that the hospital's need to make money, cut costs, please patients to unrealistic levels, and essentially eat the lower half of the state reached an all time high.  i feel that i'm being asked to do more things in less time taking care of higher acuity patients and all with a smile on my face.

but that, i suppose, is just healthcare now.

in 2013 i finally learned to stay in my own backyard; that i need to leave people to care for their patients in their own way and that i get to do the same.  i don't find myself having as many run-ins with the residents, mostly because i don't really think that i have anything to prove anymore.  i know that i'm good enough, and i think i'm figuring out more and more which battles to fight for my patients and which to just let lie.  the longer i work at this job, the more that i see the shades of grey: the policies that don't apply in every situation, the rules that can be bent, the nontraditional ways to provide good care...just a more intuitive way of practicing.

i'm not a perfect nurse, not by a long shot.  but i care about my patients, i want to give them my best and that is something.

so without further ado, in 2014 i would like to:

• be less judgemental; of the doctors, of my patients, of my coworkers.  we are all only human and doing the best we can.  i need and expect grace when i fall short and i need to give it in return as well.
• try to be manageable.  i have a rebel's heart, and i don't like being told what to do/how to do it.  as a result, i have a big problem with authority.  i realize that i'm to the point where i've got an axe to grind over just about everything that comes out of 'the man's' mouth.  i need to be open to trying things a different way, and i need to give change a chance.  
• not let 'comfortable' become 'stuck'.  my job is like a little security blanket that i haul with me wherever i go.  i know it,  i'm good at it, and i'm more than a little afraid that i'll turn around one day and realize that i'm about to retire and i never left the floor because it was easier that way.  i simultaneously want to be challenged and am terrified of the unknown.  i need to keep my eye on the prize, which right now seems to be moving to the ICU.
• never be too busy to be compassionate.  i easily turn selfish and focused on my own stuff, and it freaks me out how i forget to be grateful that i'm not the person in the bed.  cardiac nurse bff once told me about a patient satisfaction survey where someone complained 'no one said sorry i'm sick'.  entitled as that might be, it stuck with me, and now i try to remember to tell my patients that i'm sorry this happened to them.  

i like the new year because i like definition and order and the belief that one particular day turning into the next somehow means that i have a clean slate.  i guess that's what i want more than anything in 2014.  i need a fresh start, and the chance to prove that i can be better than i am now.  first i was a good person, then i was a good nurse, and now i want to be both.  

here we go.