six years

yes, it's true: i've been a nurse for SIX years now.

thoughts on this include:

1. i've survived (!!!)
2. i am old
3. it took this long to feel like i've kind of got it together

something magical has happened in the past year, something i can't really explain as i don't understand it myself.  one day i just realized that all i have to give people is my best.  i came to terms with the fact that people will do well or people will do poorly and that i don't get to control that.  all i can do is be vigilant and competent and the best nurse i can be, but people will still get sick and code and even die and that is NOT MY FAULT.

so long i lived with the fear of feeling the terrible guilt and depression that i felt after my first code and death, and it crippled me.  the weight of that has lifted this year and i finally have some perspective.

i'm only human.  i give everything i have and some days that's enough for people, some days it's not.  but that's all i have to offer.  i care about my patients, i fight for them daily, and i try to be encouraging and kind and sympathetic.  but my other patients have needs, and my coworkers require my help, and i've finally learned that giving everything thing i have until i'm empty and emotionally drained isn't good for me and ultimately doesn't help anyone.

some days patients aren't going to like me.  doctors are going to think that i'm making a big deal out of nothing.  management isn't going to want to hear my opinions on a new policy.  my coworkers are going to think that i'm overreacting to something.

and that's ok.

a long time ago when i first started nursing and it was hard, we came up with a motto: "you know the truth".  it still applies.  i know that i'm doing the best i can to give my patients great care, to support my new coworkers, and to make my unit a better place to work.

that's all i have to offer  

and it's taken me six years to realize it, but

that's enough.