lately there's been another wave of people jumping ship, and i can't figure out why it's so upsetting to me. there's the fact that i spend more time with my coworkers than i do with my own family. the fact that we both laugh and cry together, that we bitch and vent and support each other. that we are a small, peaceful gang bound together by terrible shifts, mutual struggles, and 70+ hour weeks. so when someone decides to leave it's always hard. it changes the dynamic, and it's difficult not to feel abandoned.
yes, i realize that i cannot officially take it personally when people choose to change jobs. officially. but in the land of turnover, where i have lose 70 coworkers in the past 7 years, somehow all my angst feels justified.
but it's more than that. i feel like every time someone leaves the floor to go somewhere more glamorous or dramatic like the ED or the ICU, they have this air of superiority. they are going to DO SOMETHING THAT MATTERS. they are going to SAVE LIVES, all massively transfusing people and cracking chests at the beside while all i do is pass apple juices and push dilaudid.
and, yeah, i'm more than a little defensive about my job. floor nurses are hugely under-appreciated and taken advantage of. when the ICUs are short-staffed it's 'dangerous', when we're short it's 'busy'. they have a locked door and visitation policies, we have the whole damn fam. they collaborate with doctors, we go down fighting for our patients and are seen as an annoyance.
what i do matters too. being able to look at a patient and know how they're doing without a billion monitors is an unsung superpower. so is balancing the care of 5 different patients. and it's not as exciting as floating a swan ganz or running codes all the time, but it's still important.
but more than anything, the mass exodus from the floor has made me come face to face with my own insecurities. because is it really the people who are leaving who are making me feel inferior? or is it the fact that deep down, i know i should be doing more than what i am? i'm having a hard time figuring out if i'm happy or just comfortable. do i resent the people who are moving on because i'm just jealous?
in short, i know i'm being a hater but i'm tired of saying goodbye to people ALL THE TIME.
So glad to see you back! I've been worried about you!
ReplyDeleteya I can see how you feel that way - been there... I think we all go through this phase. Examine what's important and whether you're happy where you are, if you aren't then move on.... even if it's difficult to do.
ReplyDelete