too little, too late.

i just came from a meeting in which i was handed everything that i wanted.

terrible manager is leaving.  nice CNS is now new interim manager.  staffing is improving.  we're taking the next six months to "focus on us".

and it sounds ungrateful and entitled, but my mind was screaming the entire meeting: IT'S NOT ENOUGH.

not enough to make up for the past 5 years in which we were constantly told to do better.  not enough to undo the repeated threats of "consequences" and "corrective action".  not enough to make me forget the agonizing meeting i had in the office where i was told that i'm negative, or the one where i tried to make them understand how bad things on the unit were getting only to be handed a mental health brochure.

i. am. so. angry.  they made me feel like a failure.  they made me believe that there was something wrong with me.  i felt crazy, like it was all in my head and maybe i just couldn't cut it as a trauma nurse and that it was all my fault.

then, in one 2 hour meeting, all is supposed to be forgiven and forgotten?  as if the "leadership team"  didn't know exactly what was going on all that time?  i feel like some bullied kid, picked apart for years and years and now the bully is gone and i'm just supposed to put a smile on my face like it never happened.

it happened.  it hurt me.  it made me a different person.

and you can give me more staff, a kinder/gentler manager and free prizes, but it doesn't make it go away.

i'm not sure how to deal with this.  everyone is so happy, so relieved, and i'm just sitting here frustrated and uneasy, wondering exactly how i'm supposed to get over years of hurt and bitterness.

like how terrible manager chased away so many of my coworker friends.  or how i would send emails about problems that were never addressed.  and when i did bring issues to light, i felt as if i had a target on my back for mentioning something that wasn't positive.  or how we had terrible staff satisfaction scores for years, and wasted so much time making action plans that never changed anything.

i resent all of that.

and, if i'm being honest, i think i resent that this change is happening when i'm finally ready to move on.  here i am, more likely than not getting a new job in the next several weeks and NOW is when we're finally going to solve the problems?  NOW is when we're going to start listening to the staff?  NOW is when we've decided to say out loud what we've all been thinking for years?  really??

well go figure.

i think that what i've realized above all else is that i'm doing the right thing.  if i can't be happy about this, about the best possible scenario coming true, what would make me happy?  nothing.  so i'm trying to make a conscious effort to be glad for my coworkers left behind.  to embrace these changes and not say the things that i'm thinking.  to let this news make other people happier and more satisfied at work.

but for me?

it's just too little, too late.