growing pains

so it's official, i have a new job.  that's right, after over seven years on the trauma unit, i finally decided to move on and am now a nurse in the surgical critical care area.  it's definitely challenging, and i'm learning a lot.  i'm trying to adjust to my orientation schedule, and to being brand new instead of being the resident expert.  things are going well!!

...so that's pretty much what i say to people when they ask how things are going.  i'm trying to be positive and tactful, and to avoid saying anything that will get back to the wrong people and get me in some kind of trouble with my new unit.  but the truth?

THIS IS SO HARD.

i won't say that it's the hardest thing i've ever done, because it's still better than being fresh out of nursing school.  but not by too terribly much.  first of all, i hate change.  hate it.  HATE IT.  i would much rather be warm and cozy in my familiar environment with people who love me and accept my neuroses.  instead, i'm treading lightly so these people don't think that i'm actually insane and trying to keep a handle on all my feels because, as i've been told, "there's no crying in the ICU".

to my credit, i haven't come close to crying at work.  yelling at people, maybe.  quitting to become a librarian, yes.  cursing the day that i thought i should do this, oh for sure.  i have run through every possible emotion.  and i know in my heart that this is the only way for me.  as i said before, change is not my thing.  this is how i react to it.  this is basically what i knew would happen.

but knowing it and going through it are two different things.  first of all, i'm exhausted all the time.  when i can sleep, i sleep for like 12 hours.  it's like being a newborn baby.  i also have what fellow coworker (thank God I have one friend from the floor who's doing this with me!) and I have coined as "ICU brain".  in short, the high volume of new knowledge leaves no room for anything else, including basic brain functions and motor skills.  this leads you to completely forget entire conversations, to drop pretty much everything on the floor, and to throw your car keys into garbage bins instead of actual trash.  it's debilitating.

also a delight is the 29387489723 hours of online education that i now get to enjoy.  this ensures that when i actually do have a day off, i feel either stressed or guilty.  it's a throwback to nursing school, minus large volumes of alcohol.

and of course the main issue: this people are terrifyingly sick.  this week i had a lady on nine drips.  Another patient's pressors ran out and his blood pressure tanked.  one day i was half way though pushing a med and my patient when into an unstable rhythm, then into V-fib (read: bad.  dying.), then back into an unstable rhythm, leading my preceptor to utter the terrifying words "we're going to have to code her".  um, yeah, ok.  we can do that after i finish PEEING MY PANTS.  for all of those who think that i should have expected this, duh, i thank you in advance for keeping those (very true) thoughts to yourself.

also something i've noticed about the ICU: everybody dies.  ok, not everybody.  but people die at an alarming rate.  i've been on the floor for three weeks and two of my patients are dead with one other not far behind.  again, in my head this is something i knew that i'd have to deal with.  but it's way different in practice than in theory.

so at this point you probably wonder if i'm going to
a. jump off a cliff
b. end up institutionalized or
c. quit

and the answer is...none of the above.  i am in this for better or worse.  i am doing this, i am not quitting, and i will get through it.  these are growing pains, these feelings are normal, and it will get better.  it HAS to get better.

because that thought is what is currently getting me through my days.