four years

for the last two and a half years, the floor has been my home. i've learned SO much there, about nursing sure but also about life in general. the lessons that i've learned about death and loss will stay with me forever. the patients that i've met and the situations we've gotten through together have made me different. two and a half years ago i was a quiet girl who would do anything to help anyone. most days, i cried because nursing was so hard. i threw my heart into everything i did and just about killed myself to be good at my job. well that sort of dedication can't be maintained for long, and here i am. i am exhausted. i have the "alligator skin" that was promised to me when i started on the trauma floor, but it came at a price. more and more i have been feeling that who i've become is not who i AM. i am increasingly negative and unsympathetic, and some days i don't even recognize myself. in short: i am burning out. fast.  


i recently found this post that i wrote awhile ago, but never had the heart to put out there.  at the time, i was applying for ICU jobs because i was losing it on the floor.  i was in a place where i was trying so desperately to make my career what i wanted it to be, what i felt that i was PROMISED in nursing school.  i wanted to feel like i made a difference.  i wanted to be treated like i wasn't a brand new nurse.  i wanted to be respected by my peers, my patients, my residents.  i wanted perfection.

well, turns out it doesn't go like that.

i was told that the first year of nursing was the hardest.  and it was really hard.  seriously, i cried almost every single day.  i cried in the utility room, in the med room, in the pharmacy office, in the bathroom, and when i was still unpresentable to patients i would turn off the lights so they couldn't see me and cry in their rooms while i was passing meds.  in retrospect, it's shocking i didn't have some sort of nervous break...but i made it!!

so when i was done with my first year, i expected to feel as if i had "arrived".  well, joke was on me, because after the first year THINGS WERE STILL REALLY REALLY HARD.  at about a year and three months, i had a patient throw a PE and code in front of my face.  and that messed me up for a long time.  i felt all the things you feel when someone in your care dies: shock, and guilt, and fear that i would have to see that again.  and for a long time, i wasn't really sure that i could 'do' nursing.

after i had been a nurse for two years, i felt like i could breathe a little.  but it still wasn't easy.  i got a little lost in the middle, hence the above post.  if all i did was cry the first year of nursing, then all i did the second was vent.  in short, i felt cheated.  like everything they told me in nursing school was a complete lie.  all the "nursing matters" and "nurses make a difference" propaganda was just that: pretty words.  i wasn't making a difference, i was treading water.  but i kept on going.  

after i had been a nurse for three years, it finally started to click for me.  i had enough seniority to start throwing it around a little and making some changes in my patient's treatments.  the trauma team started to recognize my face and (i hope) see me as someone who is competent.  because of our crazy turnover rates, i was one of the most experienced on my shift.  i was the one to ask questions to, the one who got called in times of crisis.  and i was finally done crying, and done ranting (err...mostly?) and done being angry because nursing was not what i thought it should be.

and now i've been a nurse for four years.  the past six months have been so...sweet.  finally things aren't as hard as they used to be.  so much of what i do is habit, muscle memory, things that i can do in my sleep.  and this means that i can focus on the things that i REALLY want to do, like connect with my patients.  critically think about them and make changes and advocate for what they need.  have discussions with the team and present ideas and make good arguments for my requests.  THIS is what i thought nursing would be.  THIS is what i signed up for.

now trust me, not every day is roses.  i still have to clean up c-diff poop 6 times a shift, and drop everything to run for the bed check and some patients are still crazy/entitled/really crazy.  but it's better.

THANK GOD IT'S FINALLY BETTER!!

and i'm hoping that it will get better still.