hand holding and other frustrations.

i would like to announce that i have become a surgeon!!  oh no, wait a minute...i'm just doing their jobs because THEY ARE TOO STUPID TO EXIST.  seriously.  seriously.  it's june, should i really still be holding your little hands and walking you through your job step by agonizing step?  show some initiative!!  get out there and be a doctor!!

the following is a list of things i should not have to do:

1. tell you to assess your patients.  how do i know you're not assessing your patients?  well first of all, your note is the same every date, cut and re-pasted.  secondly, if you were assessing your patient you would notice things...for example, that his arm is hugely swollen and that he probably has a giant chunk of windshield in it.  i'll take a thank you for pointing that out, and also for giving you the opportunity to cut something open which is, in reality, the only thing that you really care about.  oh?  no thank you?  only a barely concealed hostile glare for daring to imply that you need to enter a patient room?  so sorry for the inconvenience.

2.  tell you to give your patients the plan of care.  hey, do you know who should not be telling people that they're going for a procedure/surgery that you have not bothered to discuss with them?  me.  do you know who is not supposed to be interpreting test results/reading scans to patients?  also me.  now i understand that you couldn't possibly manage to go and report the results of a CT to a patient's family without needing to be reminded, but honestly, do i need to pick you up, throw you over my shoulder, and carry you to the bedside?  should i really have to tell you to talk to the family, and then tell you to talk to the family again an hour later, because now they're mad and we all look bad and unprofessional?  the answer is NO.

3. diagnose your patients for you.  i can't help but notice that you're obviously not the brightest crayon, but lets for a minute assume that you actually did go to and pass medical school.  your patient has a fever, and a white count, and a CT from yesterday that reads "basilar opacities in the lower lobes of the lungs, left greater than right, most likely indicative of pneumonia".  so what's the diagnosis?  THE ANSWER IS NOT BACTEREMIA!!  blood cultures are great and all, but i'm guessing that they're not going to prove his pneumonia, you know, seeing as how they're not a chest xray.  but that's ok, lets just hang out another day and see what happens before we actually treat the real problem.

bang. my. head. against. the. wall.