um.

actual patient conversation:

visitor: "do he have restrictions?"
me: "restrictions...you mean like activity?"
visitor: "like can he have sex?"
me: "um...no.  he can't have sex here in the hospital with his chest tube in."
patient: "aww yeah, i did that last time i got shot and ripped some staples out!!  look my scar!!" (lifts up gown and exposes self to everyone in room)

seriously?  seriously.