free at LAST, ya'll.

so i had this patient.  he's manipulative, has violent mood swings, and can only be described by the term "straight cray".  while i put in two large bore IVs, he attempted to stroke my arm, telling me that "my skin was so soft, and so flawless".  oh i KNOW YOU DID NOT JUST TOUCH ME.  a 20 gauge to the AC made me seem a whole lot less attractive, i'm sure.  and maybe if he wouldn't have been screaming and swatting at me while i was trying to get his line in, i wouldn't have accidentally cannulated his artery.

so on to IV number two.  during this attempt, the patient is telling me what he and i will do on "our date".  apparently we will be going to 'the club', and drinking ciroc.  he'll be 'looking all fly like young jeezy' wearing his shirt that was 'a buck fifty' and his 'jordans, 250'.  he took great pleasure in describing how he would rub johnson's baby lotion on my shoulders, and i took great pleasure in shoving an 18 gauge into his wrist.

i hadn't mentioned the fact that IV number one was in an artery,  yet, and when i did cray cray's tune quickly changed.  now all the sudden i'm fired, and he's gearing up to throw the OT shoehorn at my head.

an hour later, i'm "almost back on the christmas list" (oh thank GOD!!!).  because he was NPO for a test, he wanted 2 dinners.  whatever, if shoving his face with 2 dinners meant he wouldn't be talking to me, i was all for it.  but he wouldn't be able to order 2 meals without my assistance, and thus i was presented with THE LIST.

the following is what my patient requested for dinner:

cheeseburger
5 slices bacon
sauteed mushrooms
2 miracle whips
2 salt/peppa
2 slices cheddar cheese
1 slice mozarella

pizza
double cheese/cheddar
ham/pepperoni/sausage

taco salad in a baked shell
lettuce
cheddar cheese
hot sauce
ranch
taco sauce

pepsi and crystal lite lemonade, on ice.

yes.  because i spent four years in nursing school to be a glorified waitress.

and after i wasted ten of my precious minutes on hold with dietary and then reciting this ridiculous food order, the patient called down to the kitchen and attempted to order himself ANOTHER food tray, which unfortunately for him cancelled out my order.  i'd like to think of that as karma, and it would have been wildly entertaining had my patient not pitched a toddler-esque tantrum over the fact that he was only getting a steak and a chicken leg.

but still i pressed on!!  until the unthinkable happened: the patient was made NPO.

and it was like the gates of hell itself flew open.

in a fiery blaze of glory, i was fired (for real this time).  i celebrated with a victory lap around the nurse's station complete with fist pumping and a rousing slow clap.  it was like heaven smiled on me, and after 9 long days of emotional abuse, manipulation, sexual harassment, and general tomfoolery, i was FREE.

my heart goes out to the coworker who takes my place and enters the lair of this beast.  he is truly one of the worst patient's i've ever had, and i'm talking like top 3 here.

i shall close with the words of our nurse's assistant, who had the pleasure of being interviewed by the police after straight cray patient accused her of involvement in his shooting:

 "if i'd have done this, he wouldn't be in the hospital.  he'd be in the graveyard".

and after putting up with day upon day of his crap, i can agree.