until staying is worse than leaving

i'm at a crossroads here in my little career.  i've been unhappy at work before, and i've considered leaving before.  but then i still had some hope that things could change, that they could get better.  i don't believe that anymore.  things aren't better, and i've reached my limits.  it's ridiculously frustrating to care so much about a place and to still be treated by management as if i'm nothing but trouble.  my opinions?  they don't want to hear them.  they want me to shut up and do what they say like a good little nurse soldier and i'm over it.  i've been involved in committees and i've gone above and beyond to be in a position to change things for the better.  i've dedicated way more of my time and my energy than i've had to, and the fact that there is no appreciation for that burns me.  i want to leave, and i want to do it out of spite and i want them to know it is their fault and to feel my wrath.  and i know i'm only one person, but i'm one loyal person who has worked 5 years on a floor with insane turnover rates and i would like to believe that the fact that not even i can take this BS would mean something.

but i'm so torn.  like always.  despite management's beliefs to the contrary, i really HAVE tried to look on the bright side.  i've tried to learn to love the skies i'm under.  i've TRIED.  but nothing ever changes, and no one ever has a good thing to say about you and i'm tired of going home every night feeling like a total failure.

my coworkers are leaving.  my work bff who i started with and who has been by my side for the past 5 years is changing shifts.  even the steady day shift crowd is looking elsewhere.  the floor is a sinking ship, and everyone is jumping off.  i don't blame them.  and it makes me sad, because i know what the floor could be, i know what we've been before.  but then i saw this:

"how do you know when it's over?  maybe when you feel more in love with your memories than with the person standing in front of you."

i'm already there.  and i can't help but thinking how nice it would be to be anonymous again.  to be a new person with no responsibility, a person who no one expects anything of.  to be in the ranks of experienced nurses who are vocal about their opinions because they have been nursing since god was a child and they won't take crap.

so i went on the website and saw a job in the surgical ICU and i clicked on the apply button before i could think about it too hard and now here i am.

there are a few key people that i work with who i can't stand the thought of leaving.  they make me almost wish that nothing will come of this.  but next time i feel smothered by the job, or next time management tries to make me feel like i'm not enough, or next time we get forced to do something that none of us cares about and wasn't our idea, or next time we get short staffed for the sake of the budget, at least i will have this.  i will have this moment of action where i wasn't afraid to take the first steps towards change, and maybe i can feel a little better.

because right now staying IS worse than leaving.  and until that changes, i've got one foot out the door.