it's always the good ones...

there is some sort of murphy's law/perfect storm/cruel fate phenomenon that makes the really bad things only happen to wonderful people.  

as a rule, i would say that i like most of my patients.  but lately i have been REALLY liking them, and have had this groove going the past couple of weeks.  they keep giving me wine and candles and raining complements on me, and it is both creepy that things are going so well and also amazing.  

but the more you care about people, the worse you feel when things go wrong.

i had this lady last week.  young, pretty, with an awesome family and little kids.  so of course she has some rare genetic disorder, and of course this means that she has perfs her bowel and requires a permanent ostomy.  and she's sad, and she's anxious about it, but she still is doing everything that she needs to be doing and trying to have a good attitude and being all around gracious and inspiring.  

so i was surprised, but also not surprised, when i came into work yesterday to discover that she eviscerated bowel through her suture line and needed to go back to the OR.  she did great, but ended up in the ICU postop.  

i kept running into her dad in the hallway during her surgery, and i just felt so awful for them.  and then her sister came down after surgery and cried on my shoulder, just so incredibly frustrated and worried and sad.  it made me feel so helpless, like i should have done something more.  like i should have been able to prevent it.

so i went up to the ICU last night after my shift to see her.  and she looked good, but also exhausted and broken.  being that she's such a good person, all she kept saying was what a good nurse i was and how i have a gift.  

just not the gift of being able to prevent this, i guess.  

sometimes this job just wears on you.  it's exhausting watching bad things happen to nice normal people and not being able to do anything about it.  and while it's flattering when they think i'm amazing and feel well cared for, the truth of the matter is that i can do very little for them in the grand scheme of things.  i can make it feel better, but i can't MAKE it better.  

and while that's definitely something, sometimes it just doesn't feel like enough.