year five.

five years.  five years.  five years.

what have i done with the past five years?

what have i done with the past one year?

i guess that's a little easier.  2012 was a blur of worry and stress, so for the last 6 months of it, i did exactly nothing.  and i needed that.  the beginning of this year started out pretty rocky.  i finally cracked under the pressure of trying to do too much, and i took a step back from all of the 'extras'.  i've been trying to get ahold of my emotions and facing the fact that i'm old enough to have to act professionally, whether i like it or not.  thus i've been trying to express my feelings and my job concerns constructively, through carefully written emails and well placed, fully thought out comments.  as someone who enjoys saying outloud the first inappropriately direct thing that comes to her head, this has been difficult.  but when you start to wonder if you are becoming enough of a troublemaker to be fired, it's time to shut your mouth.

the phrase "it is what it is" is an unofficial floor motto, and i kind of hate that.  but for the first time, i actually understand why people feel that way.  there are things that i would have dug my heels in and fought over three years ago that i've just given up on these days.  i just don't have enough energy to get worked up over every injustice like i used to.  does that make me bitter and washed up?  i hope not.  i can still work up some passion over the big stuff.  i guess i'm just trying to let the smaller things roll off my back...finally learning to accept that there are a whole lot of things with management and new policies that i'll just have to deal with.

i don't think that i'll be on the floor too much longer, to be honest.  i'm tired of being constantly running and feeling like none of my patients are getting as much care as they deserve.  i think that my personality is better suited to someplace like the ICU, where i could focus my energy on taking really good care of a few people.  i'm ready for new challenges.  i'm ready to do crazy things.  i'm ready to save lives, and not just heat up people's dinners and bring their family members extra blankets.

five years on the floor has taught me A LOT.  but five years on the floor might be enough for me.

whatever happens, i'm not who i was five years ago.  i always joke and say that i used to be a nice person before i became a trauma nurse, that the floor ruined me.  sometimes i worry that it's true.  but overall i think that i've changed for the better.  i might not be as nice, but i'm not a pushover.  i might feel like the weight of the floor falls on my shoulders a lot of the time, but i actually know what i'm doing.  i might have people who are sick, but i'm confident in my ability to get them what they need.

i started out five years ago, straight out of school and terrified.  i didn't know how i was going to make it from week to week in the beginning, and i'm sure that people thought that a basket case like me wasn't going to make it very long on the floor.  and here we are.  five years later.

the job probably didn't get any easier, i just got better.

i've officially survived five years as a nurse.

thank god.