caring too much

i care a lot about what other people think about me.  this is a flaw.  when i became a nurse, it took me a long time to accept that not everyone would instantly love me, that some might not even like me at all.  if you would have told me that people would sometimes yell at me, tell me i'm not good at my job, and fire me, i wouldn't have believed it.  because i am likeable, and friendly, and am someone who will bend over backwards for approval.

or i guess i should say i was.

i have become mean.

it makes sense why.  every day i go to work and am essentially told 'do better'.  there's always some issue: entitled patients, arrogant doctors, crap staffing, some new policy that takes yet another resource way from us.  and it sucks.  so bad.  and no coping mechanism that i have seems to be acceptable.

first when i was frustrated i cried.  then everyone thought that i had mental health issues and looked at me like i was scaring them and all my evals would say things like "find ways to cope with stress".  well crying WAS my was of coping, but i got tired of everyone else thinking i was crazy, so i tried to minimize the waterworks and tried to talk out my feelings. vent, so to speak.

ok, so maybe it was ranting.  whatever.

but that is "negative" and "a bad influence on new staff", and if i am frustrated i'm supposed to "take a moment to myself to collect my thoughts and carry on".  yes, because i have so much time for contemplative moments.

so, i shouldn't be crying out my feelings, and it's is forbidden to express my frustrations out loud, so i'll swallow them all instead.  (not literally, although i tried that too.  gaining 20 pounds doesn't make anybody feel any better, for the record.)  so what am i left with?  i'm just supposed to suck it up, all the time.

lets practice:

oh, we're short a nurse and all of our techs have to be sitters today?  great!!

you're sending me a patient who is in 4 point restraints and has been getting ativan regularly?  fun!!  i can't wait!!  and you plan on DCing all the benzos?  i love a challenge!!

ooo, you've come up with another form to fill out to record productivity?  i'll look forward to completing this q shift, as per policy!!


i want to punch everyone in the face.  i'm not allowed to cry, i'm not allowed to express my frustrations to my coworkers, i'm not allowed to say how crappy it is to work here in the staff meetings, i'm not allowed to tell my patients that they can't have 234 juices for all their babies and baby mommas, i'm not allowed to tell the director that i think she's nuts for thinking that people 'have a lot of respect for the healthcare system and don't bring guns to the hospital', i'm not allowed to tell trauma that they're a bunch of idiots this month, and i'm not allowed to tell their chief residents that they're bitches.  i'm not allowed to have any emotions on the outside at all, apparently.  but on the inside i am a big ball of ranty angst, and it stews and it stews until it bubbles up and i can't stop it.

but that makes people think that i actually am evil and awful and mean, and i don't like that either.

i have a nursing student this semester and all i can think about is how i'm poisoning the future.  who on earth would want to become a nurse after seeing how crazy this job has made me?

how do i stop caring too much about the stupid things, like what people think of me?  and how do i start caring about the important things, like how to be nice again?  and i what do i do with the feelings of wrath?

this job has made me different.  it has made me strong, in a lot of ways.  but i don't want it to make me hard.  i obsess about silly things, i easily forget to be compassionate, i'm frustrated almost all of the time, and i care too much about what other people think.

i might care too much, but at least i still care.

i still care.  so maybe the kindness that used to come so easily to me is buried somewhere underneath four years of day-to-day dealings with humanity.  and maybe i can still find it.